good and bad all over the place... such is life

The rollar coaster that is nate

what a shocker. I just sat there...

 

I can't believe that the whole time, he still liked Erika. I feel like I got led on.. or allowed myself to be led on... I don't know which one it is. Either way, it hurts. But not as much as I thought it would.

 I guess I'm finally figuring out who he is.. and I'm really not liking it. I feel like I started to fall for a guy that doesn't even exist! Did I conjure him up or something? Where is the NICE guy? Who knows. I feel like I should hurt more than this.. but  maybe I've gotten wiser.

 I still want to be his friend. I still want to try and salvage this friendship... but is it worth it? If I don't pursue, I'm pretty sure nothing will happen- is that how I want it to end?

 

No.

To be honest with myself, I still want to see him, hang out with him. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment.. but I see GOOD in him, and I want to explore that. Not in a dating way, but in a friend way. I see that he cares for people, but I also see how he manipulates people... 

 

What should I do? I don't know. God calls us to love those who persecute us.. to love those who don't love us back. Maybe this is the same thing? That seems like a rationalization. Who knows..

  

God Vd Boys

Loving people would be so much easier if people weren’t in the equation. It hurts. Sometimes I hate that I am open with people and allow them to have a part of my heart. I feel like its unfair- unfair for me to always be the one hurting. I care about people-regardless of whether or not they care about me. Subsequently, I feel like I am always getting crushed. It’s like a never ending cycle.

 

I know that I should only care about God’s love, that it is His love that will sustain me. But is it wrong to want others to care for me as well? Perhaps I want too much. I have a wonderful blessing in the 1304 community, and Shoreline Cov. I have great friends from high school and some wonderful people here in Bellingham. So why do I still want more- what is it exactly that I want?

 

Sean and I have discussed the pattern of boys- that I am always getting in really intense relationships with boys- and then getting let down. Koby, Chris, Jeremy, Kyle, Matt, Jake… and all of them have pretty much broken my heart. Why do I feel the need to reach out to these guys if I know that I’m just gonna get stomped on?

 

I didn’t realize until tonight that I am really embittered about that; that I really DO have a hard time trusting guys. I don’t really expect anything from them- because I don’t want to be disappointed.

 

With Nate, for some reason, I let my guard down. I allowed myself to care about him. But is there anything wrong with that? Shouldn’t I care about him? I realize that there is a time and place for guarding your heart, but as a friend, shouldn’t I care about him?

 

Why is it that I always feel like I come out with the short end of the stick in every relationship I have with people I care about? Last year I spent a lot of time dealing with friendship issues- of whether or not I was a good enough friend. I thought that I got over that. That I just needed to care about people more. Look where it got me.

 

I want to be angry. I want to yell at him. I want to tell him that I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want him to hang out with me if all I am is an inconvenience. Damnit. Why does this hurt so much? I feel like, once again, I wasn’t a good enough friend. That this is somehow my fault.

 

My value is not derived from other people. My value is in GOD. God created me and loves me unconditionally. God listens because He cares about me, not because he feels an obligation to. God is who should be getting my heart, not boys.

 

Cullen's 21st
So becasue most of my friends are juniors, this is the year for 21st birthday parties. Even though it's only been two weeks since I've been up here, I've already gone to three of them and hung out with people after one. That's FOUR freakin people in two weeks. I find that ridiculous. What could be more ridiculous? In the next couple of weeks, Erika and Stacie turn 21 as does Lara. Sweet.

Now, it really wouldn't be all that bad except for the fact that unlike 21 birthday parties in Shoreline, the ones here tend to be much more alcohol centered. Yeah. While I didn't drink for the first two parties or the afterparty for the third one, this last one- I got rather sloshed. And becasue i KNOW you wanna know, I'm gonna give you a play by play.. or you can skip it.. either way:

 I had been doing so good but WOW did I get hammered last night. I didn't even really intend to drink that much. I started just nursing one.. for like a freakin HOUR.. and then Lara got me another.. and I drank that one faster because we went upstairs and were having kareoke/dance party to Pat Benetar (awesomeness ensued). So then I had only two drinks and was doing just fine. I wasn't even really feeling a buzz becasue it's Mike's and that's a rather diluted form. But then two of my friends made me a mixed drink so I nursed that for awhile but about half way through I started getting really buzzed and I asked about how much alchol was in it and they said that it was about 1/4 vodka which was about 5 shots I would say. So that wasn't so good. So I tapered off becasue I really had no intention of getting drunk. But then Josh and Travis had me skulk the rest of their beers and then finish off the rest of my drink. I can't actually remember why,. ohwait- they were getting ready to beer bong so they didn't want to hold their drinks. And I had to either finish my drink or take a turn beer bonging and that is SO not fun and gets you wasted rather quickly (plus it's BEER which is GROSS). So then I was well on my way to being drunk. In fact, I'm going to say that I probably was drunk- but not plastered. hard to define what exactly drunk is. So then the boys went out to the bars and the girls danced around some more but it got a LOT harder to move around without knocking some one over so we all stopped. Then Leo called. And since he was just two doors away, I went over to his apartment to say hi.. and there was a major party over there as well because the Crew team had just won so they went over to Leo's to celebrate. SO I hung out over there for awhile and talked with Leo which was pretty cool.  And then because he truly is a nice guy, he walked me back to Josh's. So then I went around trying to find Lara, who was passed out in Josh's bed, so I went over to hang out with some other friends and drank another Mike's. Well, then Jen and I started feeling sick so Courtney took us both into the bathroom..but there was a guy puking in there.. so we went to the bathroom upstairs which worked out well becasue while Jen was puking, Coutney took me into Ryan's room where I passed out. The guys got back around 2am, and pretty much just passed out whereever the heck they could. Now, I have never seen theaftermath of one of Josh's parties becasue I've always gone home, so when I woke up this morning at 9 (I have no idea why I got up so early becasue I was STILL fairly tipsey) I was suprised to find that people were passed out EVERYWHERE. Ryan was on the floor of the room I was in, Josh and Lara were in his bed, three or four people were in Cullen's room, people were passed out in the bathroom, and there were people on the floor downstairs and on the pullout couch. I took Lara's keys, told her to call me when she woke up, and drove home.

Nate's post

I'm going to rant, because I have no one to rant to, so be ready for it.
Why does loving people have to be so freakin hard? Why can't it just be simple. I was joking the other day that this whole ministry thing would be easier without the people. Its a sad truth, but in this fallen world, we need to be lights. I just wish God would give me people that are easy to be lights too. Why am I called to love people I don't what too? I want to learn to love people, I know it will be a rewarding thing in eternity, but in this society of make me happy now, I don't want to wait. I want my reward for loving people now. It sucks watching people you care about go into the same old cycle over and over again. It sucks. But then I think, wow, I don't even love these people 1/1000000000000000th as much as God loves me and I keep doing the same dumb stuff in the same dumb cycle, How much am I hurting God? I don't think I really want to know the answer to that, I think it would bring me to my knees in shame faster than anything else could. Pray that I can love people better.

 

I like this post a lot.  

Bible Jim
Today on campus I saw Bible Jim; well, maybe not Bible Jim himself, but one of his cronies. He was holding a sign that said "You Deserve Hell, Repent or Else, turn to Jesus." I realize that parts of the Bible talk about rebuking people but this is done in two ways; one for believers and one for nonbelievers.

For Christians, there can be condemnation because of a professed faith and then a failure to follow through. We have commited to doing as Jesus has done, and so when we fall short, strong rebukes are necessary.

But with non-believers? The Bible shows Jesus being kind to them; showing them love rather than trying to condemn them. Think of Jesus and the Adulterous women who was about to be stoned for her crime; Jesus protected her, saved her from death, and showed her KINDNESS.This is how we should be caring for non-believers, not by holding signs condemning them to Hell.

A Brand New Year

Man oh man, I can't believe I'm starting my last year of college right now. That just blows my mind. I hope everything goes well this year. It's going to be so weird without Lara and Ashy and Adria and well..everything that I'm used to. I think I'm going to miss living on campus, miss the dinning halls and everything- probably just becase it's familiar to me. I thought that I LIKED change, but I guess I really don't . Weird.

 

Living at The Bridge, is hectic and weird and drama filled and people filled. I think I'm going to like it- but I'm not sure.

 

It's weird that a couple of weeks ago I was complaining to Krista that I wanted more change in my life- and now I just want to go back to boringness! Ironic- I think yes. 

trouble in paradise
Trouble in Jeremy land. Well, not necessarily with me, but there's trouble there. And I'm confused as to who to believe. I WANT to belive Jeremy, but at the ame time, some of the stuff Allie said really strikes home. And I know Jer has a temper.. but REALLY?

Now I'm almost really glad that he;s going away for the summer. I can't say that I fully support him being a counselor, becasue I honsetly don't think he's mature enough- mentally or spiritually, but I really think God wants him far away from this situation, so Cascades must be the place where God wants him! And who am I to argue with that? Indeed.

So then, what do I do? Do I confront the issue? I technically already made plans to hang out with Allie and have a little sit down with her.. so how do I go about this? I don't want Jer to think that I'm cleaning up his problems, but at the same time, that's all I really want to do. Ahh, TACT, how I wish I had more of it!

Well.. this summer should be interesting I guess. So much going on and everything already a mess. WAHOO. Actually, I'm rather excited. This is what I LOVE- helping people, talking to people, working toward situations. Oh yeah, this summer should be interesting- never a dull moment at least!

Allie
Allie just called me. To talk about Jer. I'm still not sure why she called ME, but wow.

Such a lonely, hurting girl! I'm really amazed.

Have to remember to hang out with her this summer and keep things going. Yes indeed.

being asked out
Being asked out is weird. On one hand it's very flattering, and on the other, very vrey stressful. Well, I guess it's only stressful when you have to say no.

The thing is, is you have to be very tactful in how you say no becasue you don't want to come off as a meanie. Here's how my skill, or lack there of, has paid off, or gotten me into a lot of trouble.

With Erik, I totally blanked and couldn't think of an excuse to say no. As a result, I ended up going on a date from hell. What I learned from that is ANY excuse is a good excuse.

With Aaron, I unintentionally agreed ( SET UP I TELL YOU!! I WAS TOTALLY SET UP!! I KILL CONOR!!) and as a result, I ended up having him basically stalk me for a couple months and even now I get a random call every once in awhile. From this I learned to never ever trust conor.

By the time Adam asked me out, I was a vetren so I managed tro skirt around the question long enough for me to make an almost-graceful exit. The only problem was that every time he got drunk, he kept coming over and hitting on me. So therefore, I learned to never be ambiguous.

Then David broke up with his girlfriend for me, and so I had to break it to him that I'm def not into him. To do this? TACT! I pretend I don't KNOW that he likes me, and tell him that I'm just not interested in boys right now and cite all busy schedule, hard classes, etc etc. Then he gets the point without feels like it's something about him PERSONALLY that I don't like.

David Chen? Well, I just made it impossible for us to date beasue I kept telling him how GLAD I was that we were FRIENDS and didn't have to deal with all the drama of dating. Smooth eh ?

And now with Cody? I do the whole, "well, it's the end of the year, so I'm really busy and can't hang out casue I have to study for finals but maybe when I come up over the summer." AKA, "I'm going to avoid you like the plague until the end of the year and if you call me over the summer I will be convinently in Shoreline, but if I happen to see you next year, I'll be really sweet and give you a hug and pretend that the whole asking me out thing never happened."

Bah. Why do I keep getting asked out? It's not like I'm doing anything in particular to attract them? I know I shouldn't be complaining, but it just SUCKS. I mean, it's just that not one of those guys have O actually liked as more than a friend. Not one. And I just wish the one day I would be able to attract someone I LIKE rather than someone I'm prefectly content being friends with. Rar.